


Fall of the Falcon

by ShaneAndrew



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Episode VII, Heavy Angst, Seriously major spoilers for TFA, Spoilers, The Force Awakens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 19:41:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5468585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneAndrew/pseuds/ShaneAndrew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There wasn't even a body she could bury.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fall of the Falcon

It was a blade of white-hot ice, slashing into her lungs.

_Come home with me_

_We miss you_

            Her legs gave as her heart shook, folding her into her seat.

_I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it  
_

The cacophony of sound around her – orders barked, updates relayed to the base, the dissonant chime of the equipment – they were muted, fading, lacking any importance they’d had but a moment ago.

            _Thank you_

The jolt she felt as she landed was nothing, nothing next to the flash she’d seen of the fall. Her eyes heated and welled, splashing disbelief onto the now blurry console in front of her.

            “Ma’am?”

            Through the veil of pain, a voice, buzzing like a fly.

            “Ma’am? General Organa?”

            General?

            _Job. That’s your job._

_You’re General Organa. You have a resistance to lead._

_They need you more than you need him right now._

_Do your job._

“I’m fine.” Were it not for the vibrations in her throat, she would not have known she’d been the one to speak. “Are the fighters still on target?”

            “They are, General.” The worried look aimed her way was ignored. “But the First Order’s weapon will be fully charged in less than a minute.”

            “Our team will make it.” Her jaw hardened. “They’ll make it, I know it.”

            It was all she had to cling to now.

*

 

The sound of cheering and joyful exclamation around her seemed twisted somehow, though part of her responded to it in an autopilot sort of way. The requisite hands were shook, congratulations given. All done with her head held high, as she was well known for. As was expected of her. Her personal pain did not detract from her people’s very real need of a strong leader, and as such did not relieve her of her responsibilities.

            Things were changing fast now, for all of them. She had to put that, put them, first. She could always take time for herself later, when all necessary details had been seen to.

            Something caught her eye in the maelstrom of celebration before her, and she turned her head to see the scavenger girl standing apart from the others. She moved slowly, as Leia did, like it was mud beneath her instead of solid ground. A little shell-shocked, a little lost, and unable to share in the jubilance of the crowd surrounding her. Barely dried tear-tracks cut through the dirt and grime on her cheeks.

            Rey, that was her name.

            Rey whom Han had insisted he find, along with the young man now being hurried to the medical bay, in order to bring down their enemy’s shields and pave the way to victory for the Resistance.

            He had always hated to sit around and wait. This girl, for all her quiet observance and simmering passion, seemed to be cut from similar cloth.

            Their eyes met, and though Rey visibly hunched farther into herself she did not look away. And in that moment Leia knew she could not hate this girl for what had happened to the man she loved.

            So she softened what she knew were bitter eyes, relaxed the stiffness clenching her shoulders, and approached Rey with open arms. The other let out a small gasp, a shuddering whisper, before throwing herself around the older woman. They clung to each other like rocks battered by the ocean for moments uncounted, not needing to say what was warring in both their hearts.

            _I’m sorry_

_I know_

*

 

The festivities, though enthusiastic while they lasted, soon enough began to weave themselves with a thread of sorrow as talk turned to the good men and women they had lost. Over half the fleet had gone down in smoke in the attack on the First Order, a blow not easily recovered from.

            Leia heard the cries, witnessed the tears, began composing a list of those who had died – she would contact each of the families of the fallen at her earliest opportunity. In the now, she knew she had to address those gathered as a whole. She sent word that all were to gather in the main hangar. Maybe that would give her sufficient time to compose herself, keep the rapid rise of her emotions in check.

            For what seemed the hundredth time in the last few hours, she felt the muscles in her throat threaten to close. Again she straightened, took a deep breath, and shut her eyes tight a moment. _No. Not yet. You need to hang on, just a little longer._

The crowd quieted as it filtered in in twos and threes, sobering at the look on Leia’s face. Whispers rippled out from those entering first to those who followed, speculating. Wondering why, in the face of triumph, their General should look so very weary.

            “Friends,” she began. “In the face of incredible odds, your hard work and determination have saved us. Were it not for your courage and loyalty to our cause, to what is right, we would never have survived this day.” The words tasted empty and hollow as they left her lips. “We would not have struck such a crucial blow against those who seek to do us harm.

            “But, as with every battle, every victory, there is a price. We lost many comrades today, many pieces of our family.” She swallowed and felt her insides start to clench in hard, arrhythmic spasms. “Tonight as we celebrate, we honor them. We…we lift up their memories.”

            “Where’s General Solo?” a voice called. “No one’s seen him yet, is he in the medical bay?”

            Murmurs echoed the question as the others looked to Leia, worry pinching their faces. She felt her face redden, as the heat in her eyes begged to flood down her face.

            “He didn’t make it.” Heads whipped around, seeking the source of the harshly bitten words. Rey stood pressed against the far wall with crossed arms, like she was trying to sink into the stone. “He was slaughtered by Kylo Ren; I saw it.”

            An uproar followed this short declaration, and soon the girl was being swarmed by Resistance members, all peppering her with questions. No longer was anyone focused on General Organa, who at that moment slapped a hand over her mouth to muffle the small sob that forced its way through.

            _End this, before you lose their confidence in this fight as well as their confidence in you._

“It is true,” she said, projecting her voice over the clamor. Casting a stern gaze over those assembled as she fought for internal control. “Han Solo died to protect this movement, and all that we stand for. He is a hero, and shall be remembered with the others as such. Tomorrow we will hold vigil for those that died. For now, we all must rest. We have won today, but our fight is not over. We will need our heads and our hearts clear, if we are to restore peace to the galaxy.

            “You are dismissed.”

            She strode out of the hangar, hands clasped behind her back to hide their shaking. Out in the hall, a tan-clad figure was also striding from the company of others. Seeking solitude.

            “Wait, please.”

            Rey turned to regard her, gaze cold and her lower lip trembling.

            “Forgive me.” The words were stiff, clipped. “I did not mean to speak so carelessly of General Solo. He clearly means a great deal to you, and I won’t pretend to feel the same pain you do at his passing. I will leave as soon as I’ve made adequate preparations.”

            When Leia reached out to touch her arm, Rey recoiled as though she’d be scalded. Her body tensed like an animal on the verge of fleeing, so Leia released her.

            “Thank you,” she murmured, as Rey began to move away. When the girl stopped, turned to regard her with wary surprise, Leia sighed. “I…I could not find it in me to tell them on my own. You diverted their attention, so they did not see me react as I did.”

            “Don’t,” Rey whispered. “Don’t thank me, please. It’s my fault he’s dead.”

            “Were you the one to kill him?”

            “No, but –”

            “Then don’t put such a burden on yourself. Be sorry that he’s gone, but don’t take the guilt for a blow you didn’t strike.”

            The younger’s throat worked a moment. “You should rest, as you told the others.” Then Rey was gone, hurrying down the passage. She did not look back.

 

*

 

The humming activity of the base had quieted, retreating as the sunlight edged back to make way for the nighttime sky, bright with stars. Amongst their light Leia slipped away, a small rucksack slung over her shoulders.

            She walked softly, quickly, for ten minutes and more. Neatly she stepped over fallen logs, piles of leaves as she went on.

            The glade she sought by the water’s edge stood as still and strong as it ever had. Many times had she come here alone, seeking solitude’s comfort. But the cool air held no embrace for her now, no welcome quiet to soothe the racing boil of her thoughts.

            She spread the blanket she’d brought with tensing hands, lit the candles she’d placed on bits of scrap metal. Desperately she looked for some solace in their little lights, but none would come to her.

            All she could think was of how gently Han had held her, the last time. The solidness of him, so sure despite his otherwise grim outlook. So reassuring. He would be there for her, no matter what. And then just like that, he wasn’t anymore.

            She’d endured her fair share of his prolonged absences over the years, had missed him each and every time despite the frustration each departure had engendered in her. But this, this gnawing ache inside her chest, so ragged at the edges and crying out for relief, was all but unbearable.

            She tried to tell herself that she would cope, that time would soften the agony, that she didn’t need Han to go on so long as there were others who looked to her for guidance, those who needed her first.

            There wasn’t even a body she could bury, no physical form to pretend to witness the candles she’d lit, in this hidden place. Nothing had come back to her, not even Chewbacca, whom she presumed to have also chosen to grieve in private.

            Thirty years of memories rocketed in a tear-stained movie reel through her mind, and Leia Organa felt herself splinter at the seams.

            She did not feel the hard bite of the ground into which her knees slammed.

            No notice did she take of how her screams bounced and echoed off the trees around her, of how they tore through her throat.The reality of her loss was like trying to swallow broken glass, choking her. Her hands had fisted themselves long before she’d beat them against the soft earth beneath her, staining the dirt with droplets of blood.

            It stormed through her, over her. Overwhelming the false shroud of strength she’d donned as she rocked back and forth. Tears held back for far too long fell rapidly, swirled with the blood on the ground.

            Han, her Han, destroyed by their only son. The life they’d made together had become Han’s death, and she did not know how to live with the pain that caused her.

            _If you see our son, bring him home._

            Had she done this? Would Han have even tried to approach Ben, speak to him, if Leia hadn’t asked him to?

            She didn’t know. She just didn’t know. Worse, she was no longer sure she wanted her son to be saved from the darkness that had consumed him. It was his fault Han had been ripped away from her.

            She thought of Luke as her tears ran out, of how she ached to find him. He’d told her once how she too was gifted with the Force, the same night he had used that selfsame gift to bring their father back to the light. _You have that power too_ , he’d said.

            A sharp intake of air broke the silence of the clearing. A statue-like stillness followed after.

            Leia picked herself up, dusted off her clothes. She gently snuffed the candles, placed them back in her rucksack with the metal and the blanket.

            She would find their son, and finish what Han had started.

            She would find Ben.

            And if he could not be brought back to the light, then she would simply bring the light to him.

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic for Star Wars! Hope y'all enjoyed my attempts at coping :P  
> Special thanks to herpderpdoctor.tumblr.com for the beta job
> 
> Note: There will be a sequel to this one-shot, currently in the very rough first stages. Coming soon to a galactic URL near you!
> 
> SA


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